Team coach since late 2005, Alan has stamped his authority on the side like Maurice Malpas in his heyday. Despite question marks over how old he really is, Alan commands huge respect amongst the side and runs a tight, disciplined ship. The question of what would happen when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object was allegedly answered when Alan punched himself in the head. He once threatened to put the whole squad on the transfer list following a poor performance.

Likely to say: I'll bet you £100 Dundee Utd can win the Champions League. (deluded, BC)

Likely not to say: I make terrible bets.

Random Fact: pub quiz supremo.